The late, great Mitch Hedberg was a totally singular comic voice. Taking over for Steven Wright as the king of the deadpan one-liner, Hedberg took the approach to a whole new level: he had fun with language and made absurd observations that were so silly and obvious and deceptively brilliant. He was one of the greats, and he is missed. Celebrate Hedberg's comedy with some of his classic quotes and jokes.
- "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"
- "I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
- "I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff."
- "I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. 'Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.'"
- "Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, 'Here—you throw this away.'"
- "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."
- "Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious."
- "My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."
- "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers? Nope! We got spaghetti and blankets.'"
- "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this."
- "I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- "I saw this whino. He was eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait."
- "I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. 'There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside.' 'Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.'"
- "I like to hold the microphone cord like this: I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
- "Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. 'Tom's gone!' 'Is he a magician?' 'No.' 'Then let's print up some flyers!'"
- "I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar in a store, sometimes I will drop it so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."
- "A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage."
- "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'"
- "I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible."
- "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
